As I play back in my head. Over thinking. Or simply just thinking. I think a lot about situations I find myself in. I have countless sleepless nights, literally, like insomnia. I'm writing this at 4am in the morning smoking a cigarette in the dark. Not even a book can put me to sleep. (Maybe I should try that warm milk I keep hearing about).
I think about a lot of things. My family. My safety. My ex. My future but mostly my friendships. Relationships in general - How it builds and how it withers - It takes a lot to maintain. Same as a romantic relationship it's a gave and take. It's about loyalty and appreciation. It's laughter and good times but also the arguments and disagreements.
I hold my friendships quite dear to me. It's close to my heart. Possibly the most important thing in my life. You see, I grew up without much family around me. My parents are from another province and so most of my family are over there and we are here so the friends I made i considered my family.
For the most part I think it's my fault. It always is. My ex was weary of the fact that I invested so much of my time in friendships where he didn't view it as important as I did. Now I see how it is wise that way. People are fickle, myself included. When you find a good person you trust, you latch on a bit too much in some cases. I think I do that.
Now I think. All the time I just think about things. Everything. Who I am. Who I should be. Who I want to be. If my friends approve. Will it rock the boat too much if I say this or do that. I'm scared I guess. Making friends is not always the easiest thing in the world so one would be scared to lose those you already have and rather just ride it out.
I read somewhere that a person's friends changes every seven years. I wonder if we've come to that point. I should be a stronger person. A confident person to stand on my own two feet you know and not depend on other people so much. It's seems to be my downfall and what makes my friendships so tender.
It takes a lot for one to really sit down and critically analyse who they are as a person. This is a difficult task for me. But still I'm thinking. Praying for an answer that I can only get by making my own decisions and standing behind them.
You see. There are many things a new pair of shoes can fix. But friendships aren't one of them.
